Kibito's Vacation
by meressefers
Summary: Kaioshin sends Kibito on vacation...to Goku's house, and Chi-chi learns she has a walking, talking (pink) project at her disposal. Hold onto your hats. ::the long-dreaded Part 5 is up::
1. Grocery Boy

DISCLAIMER: DBZ is not mine. As if you didn't know that.

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Kibito's Vacation

by Meressefers

Part 1: Grocery Boy

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Kibito, assistant to Higashi no Kaioshin, was taking a "much-needed" vacation.

He snorted at the idea. Vacation. He didn't need a vacation, hadn't needed one in the millenia he had served Kaioshin. If he wanted a break, he could easily find a quiet corner of Kaioshin-Kai for a few hours to himself, but he didn't. It just wasn't necessary. Kaioshin finally decided that some time off was in order for Kibito, and none could persuade the god otherwise.

It wouldn't have been so bad if 'Shin wasn't such a sneak. Even after all those years, it still amazed Kibito how the little guy could pull the wool over anyone's eyes, even Kibito's. The pink giant had unwittingly mentioned that he wouldn't know what to do with himself for a whole summer off, and basically got himself conned into spending the time with Goku's family. As can be imagined, Kibito wasn't exactly jumping for joy at the suggestion, but he had no choice but to obey his master.

Thus Kibito was lingering uneasily in the air above the Son household and looking down. He did not want to go through with this. A summer with mortals…and not just any mortals. He sighed and descended to the ground.

***

Chi-chi greeted Kibito at the door and led him inside. "You're just in time for breakfast," she told him.

Wonderful, he thought as she led him inside and into the kitchen, which was unnervingly silent except for the sizzle of eggs and bacon in a frying pan. Surprisingly, the three Saiyan food machines were nowhere in sight; the only other person in the kitchen was a rather large man with a beard, spectacles, and a horned helmet whom Chi-chi introduced as her father. "It's so quiet in here," Kibito finally remarked.

"Oh, they're all still asleep," Chi-chi whispered in response. She turned, cupped her hands around her mouth, and yelled, "FOOD TIME!" 

"You may want to get out of the way right now," Ox King said as he directed Kibito to the far side of the kitchen. Goku, Gohan, and Goten stampeded into the room, sat down, and devoured the indecent amount of food, which Chi-chi had set in front of them, in a matter of seconds.

"ThanksChi-chigreatbreakfastgottagotrainnowloveyouhoneybye!" said Goku upon finishing his meal. He and Goten ran off to (obviously) go train. 

Gohan looked up at his mother. "Mom?"

"Yes?"

"Could I got downtown today with Videl? And Sharpener and Erasa. Please?"

"Don't you have some studying to do?" Chi-chi asked skeptically.

"Aw, please, Mom?"

"I suppose, but just this once. It's a special occasion."

"Huh? Special occasion?" asked Gohan.

"Um, yeah, we have a guest." Chi-chi gestured to Kibito, who scowled to hide his pleasure at being considered "a special occasion."

"Oh. Hi, Kibito! How's it going?" Gohan asked good-naturedly.

"Er, I'm fine," said the bodyguard, who was still a bit taken aback by his new surroundings, not to mention his warm reception. Gohan soon left to hang out with his friends, and Kibito sat down to a small, quiet breakfast with Chi-chi and Ox King.

***

At two o'clock that afternoon, the house was deadly silent. Goku and Goten (although they had returned for lunch) were still training. Gohan was presumably wandering in the city with his friends, and Ox King…well, who really cares? Chi-chi was busy doing housework.

Our protagonist was sitting in the grass outside and trying to read. However, he was not getting very far, as the vast hordes of insects around him were driving him to distraction. They were everywhere, something of a shock to a man who had lived on a planet sans bugs for a few thousand years. He could barely turn a page without feeling the soft tap of six microscopic feet on his arms or getting paranoid and imagining that same feeling. After awhile, he decided that it would be better to read inside instead of constantly brushing off insects. 

Kibito entered the house, only to find Chi-chi seemingly ransacking the house and muttering under her breath. "Stupid men...eating us all out of house and home...have to go shopping for the second time this week..." Kibito walked right past her, not planning to get involved in any way. Unfortunately, she spotted him. "Kibito, you can do Instant Transmission like Goku, right?"

"No," Kibito replied stiffly, mildly annoyed that his Kai-kai technique was being equated with the Goku's inferior Instant Transmission.

"You can teleport, though, right?"

"Yes..." Kibito suddenly had a bad feeling.

"Oh, same difference." Chi-chi gazed intently at Kibito. "I need to go grocery shopping."

"I fail to see what that has to do with me," he replied.

"You can transport me to the store, and then back with all the bags of food."

Kibito hmphed. "I am not running your errands. You have a husband and two sons for that."

"While you're staying in my house," Chi-chi affirmed, "you'll do errands. Got it?"

"I can conjure up whatever food you need. I don't feel like hopping around from place to place today."

"Nuh-uh, no funky magic tricks. Just take me to the store."

"And teleporting wouldn't be a magic trick?"

"Don't be difficult, Kibito," Chi-chi admonished her guest. "Now let's go!" She pointed to her frying pan, and thus, on his first day of vacation, Kibito became Chi-chi's personal grocery-toting service.

But really, that was nothing compared to what happened next.

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A/N: So, what did you think? Yeah, I know, that was really lame. The story will get better, I promise...I think...I hope? Um, yeah. Anyway, Chi-chi's got a new project next time: finding Kibito-san a girlfriend. And if you think that's bad, wait 'til you see who gets sucked into this plan ^_^


	2. Let's Make a Date

A/N: All I can say is, 'Poor Kibito.' ^-^;; Oh...and there's mild Yamcha and Bulma bashing, too. Just a heads up.

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Kibito's Vacation

By Meressefers

Part 2: Let's Make a Date

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The first two weeks of Kibito's vacation were similarly mediocre. Nothing of particular interest happened. Kibito managed to beat everyone in the household at checkers except, to his utmost surprise, Goten, who was delighted to have beaten a grown-up. Kibito judged an eating contest between Goku and Gohan. (Goku won.) The loser persuaded him to read up on mortal history and sciences. Thus Kibito was spending the time he didn't want in the first place reading stacks of books he couldn't care less about, but it was something to do, and that was all that mattered.

However, Chi-chi misconstrued Kibito's behavior. She took the fact that he pretty much just sat around all day to mean that he was depressed. Why? She couldn't come up with a solid explanation, but his perpetually dour expression was pushing her to new levels of exasperation. What right had he to be miserable?

One day at the supermarket, Chi-chi had an epiphany. The cashier, a teenage girl, cast a scornful glance at Kibito, who just looked confused and annoyed by such unmerited contempt. Chi-chi mistook his bewilderment for another emotion entirely and finally decided on the cure for Kibito's problems: love.

"Kibito, have you ever had a girlfriend?" she asked once they were putting groceries away back at the house.

"Why do you ask?" the pink giant asked suspiciously, having picked up the gist of Chi-chi's previous thoughts.

"Oh, I was just wondering," Chi-chi said innocently. She soon came up with another question. "Have you thought about getting a haircut for the summer?"

"I'm going to pretend," said Kibito, "that this inquiry is in no way related to the first. No, I have not given a haircut a serious thought, as I neither want nor need one."

Chi-chi kept plugging. "We're having an unusually warm summer this year. If you'd like, we can go buy you some more suitable clothes for the weather."

Kibito smiled acrimoniously. "Subtlety is not your strong point, Chi-chi. I do not want a haircut. I do not want a new wardrobe. And I definitely don't want a girlfriend."

"What do you want then, a boyfriend?!?" Chi-chi screeched, finally losing her patience. "I'm only trying to help you here; SHEESH!"

"I understand that, but I do not need your help." Kibito looked down nervously at the little woman with a frying pan. "I am quite content the way I am."

"I don't want you moping around my house all day!"

"I don't want to mope around your house at all, but it's not as if I have a choice in the matter."

"ARRRGH!!!" Chi-chi deftly brought her frying pan down on Kibito's head. His eyes subsequently swirled.

"Maybe I...maybe I should invest in some short-pants...?" he managed to choke out.

***

Two days later, Chi-chi dragged Kibito down the sidewalks in the shopping district of Satan City. "I fail to see the necessity of this," said the divine assistant.

"I fail to see why you're complaining," Chi-chi snapped back. "I let you keep the hairdo and the earrings; what more do you want?"

"Solitude."

"Is that so? Because it seems like you want to meet the frying pan again."

"No...that's quite all right." Kibito sweatdropped, and they stopped in front of a store called Big & Tall.

"Here we are," said Chi-chi, pulling Kibito inside.

Ha! he thought. The store may be for larger men, but they couldn't possibly have clothing to fit *me*!

Poor Kibito. He was dead wrong.

***

"Kibito, let's see the tuxedo."

"No," replied the recalcitrant immortal from inside a changing room. "This is ridiculous!"

"KIBITO..."

"Fine." Kibito huffed and stepped out of the changing room, frowning. He was wearing a nice black suit. "You told me we were only going to shop for summer clothing."

"Well, since we're here, you might as well try on everything," Chi-chi replied gleefully. Kibito nearly fell over. "Besides, you look very nice in that."

"Urrgh..."

"She'th right, you know," said the overtly effeminate salesman standing next to Chi-chi. "You look abtholutely thpectacular, thir!"

Spectacular enough for your tastes, 'thir'? Kibito thought caustically and went back into the changing room. He reluctantly came out in a t-shirt and shorts. "I hope you're happy now that you've completely humiliated me."

"I'm not humiliating you," Chi-chi shot back. "For once, you look like a normal person." Kibito was about to comment dryly on just how 'normal' he looked regardless of any new clothing when the salesman butted in.

"I think that thtyle thuits you very well; the color, too..." the salesman lisped. "Have you conthidered thomething, I don't know, thomething a bit tighter? To show off your muthscles, of courthe."

"That's it," said Kibito, sneering. "I'm sticking with my old clothing." Chi-chi flexed her skillet swinging arm, and an hour later, they stood in the kitchen amidst a plethora of shopping bags.

"Well, that was a productive afternoon, don't you think?" she finally said.

"Futile is the word I would use," Kibito muttered. "Spending my hard-earned money on clothes that won't help me in any way."

Chi-chi gave him a dirty look. "You don't have to be so negative, you know. Besides, materializing money is not the same as earning it." She began sorting through the purchases. "Come over here. I want you to pick out an outfit for tonight."

Kibito gulped. "What do you mean, 'for tonight'?"

"Well, you're going out..."

"Since when?"

"Since now. Don't be difficult."

"I am not going anywhere."

"You will if I have to drag you out there myself!" Chi-chi asserted.

"That sounds exceedingly fine. All those women whom you insist would be swarming me will assume that you and I are a couple."

"That does present a problem..." Chi-chi thought for a moment. "I suppose Goku could go with you instead."

"Even better. They'll assume that your husband and I are a couple."

"Stop making excuses! You're going out whether you like it or not." Chi-chi glared and thrust a pile of clothing at her project...er, guest. "Now try these on again. I want you to make sure they fit before you go downtown in them." Kibito sighed and did as he was told.

***

At 7:30 that night, Kibito and Goku flew into the city. Kibito, all gussied up in jeans, a t-shirt, and sneakers, was markedly uncomfortable. Goku, also wearing more normal garb, didn't notice.

A low rumbling startled them as they walked the sidewalks. "Hmm..." said Goku. "Hey, Kibito?"

"What?"

"I'm starving. I know Chi-chi said for us to find you a girlfriend and everything, but you wouldn't mind if we stopped for a bite to eat, would you?"

"No, not at all." Inside Kibito's head, the gears were turning.

***

"YOU SPENT ALL NIGHT AT AN ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT BUFFET?!?!"

It was 2:30 AM in the kitchen. Goku and Kibito, having barely walked in the door, were standing before Chi-chi, who was in her nightclothes. A vein throbbed in her forehead, and she brandished her frying pan.

"Erm...yeah," said Goku, scratching his head. "Sorry, honey."

"Don't 'sorry' me!" Chi-chi snapped back. "Seven hours! You've been gone seven hours, and you've been stuffing your face the whole time! Do you even remember what you were supposed to be doing?!?"

"Um...helping Kibito get a girlfriend?"

"And what kind of girl could you possibly find at a buffet in the middle of the night?"

"...someone who likes to eat?"

"ARRRGH!" Chi-chi slapped her forehead. "Goku, get out of my sight!" Goku scampered off hastily, and his wife turned to Kibito. "Well?"

"Well, what?" Kibito eyed Chi-chi suspiciously.

"Just because I'm a mortal doesn't mean I'm STUPID. I know full well what you did," said Chi-chi. Kibito opened his mouth to respond, but she cut him off. "You're not stupid, either, so don't play it. Everyone knows to say no to Goku when he asks to eat. It's *only* common sense."

"But --"

"No 'buts'. You could have had this whole thing over and done with by now, and I'm sure it would've been a sight more interesting than Goku shoveling food into his mouth."

"If you didn't --"

"I don't see what your problem is," Chi-chi propounded. "I'm trying my best to help you, and you don't seem to care." She gave him a look which would have reduced the most hardened criminal to tears for shame. "Will you at least put in some effort, Kibito?"

Kibito nodded quickly. Damn, he thought. How is it that I've been bested by a mortal woman? He hastily excused himself and rushed to his bedroom.

***

"I can't believe I got sucked into this," said Piccolo as he, Dende, and Kibito strolled downtown the next night.

"Believe it," replied Kibito. He and Piccolo wore the same grim expression, though anyone else would have been hard-pressed to keep a straight face. Chi-chi forced Piccolo to wear some of Kibito's new clothing, and the Namek looked quite the homie in his overlarge garb. Dende was forced to wear Gohan's hand-me-downs.

"Aw, it can't be that bad, guys," said Dende hopefully.

"Easy for you to say," Piccolo grunted. "You haven't gone through this before."

"What?!?" Dende and Kibito's jaws dropped. "Don't tell us you --"

"That's right. Chi-chi tried to find me a girlfriend." Piccolo turned purple.

"Well, what happened?" Dende asked.

"She found out that Nameks are asexual."

"Oh."

"That's all fine and wonderful," said Kibito, the corner of his mouth twitching, "but it really doesn't help me."

"Help you find a girlfriend or help you get out of this?" Piccolo asked smugly.

"Neither!" Kibito fumed. "Give it a rest, Piccolo!"

"All right, all right. Calm down." Piccolo looked around. "Do you have any idea what you want to do?"

"I assume that's why you're here, to tell me what to do."

"Well, do you have any hobbies?" Dende asked. "I'm sure that's the best way to go about it, to look for someone with similar interests."

"No, not really," Kibito muttered. As if most mortal women care about celestial affairs and the like...

"That puts a damper on one solution." The Earth's guardian pondered for a moment. "Why don't we go to a café and sit down?" We'll certainly see lots of people that way."

"I suppose," said Kibito, not seeing any less compromising way out. He and the two Nameks took a table at the nearest coffee shop and watched passers-by. Unfortunately, it seemed to be a slow night for business, as the only adult females who entered the café were a few little old ladies here and there who made Kibito (no spring chicken himself) look much, much younger than his three thousand and some odd years. One brought in a five-year old granddaughter with her, and the little girl burst into tears upon seeing Kibito's face. As you can imagine, this hardly boosted Kibito's ego, and things were not going well for him.

"Do you have any other ideas?" he asked Dende. "I can't afford to go back without any proof that I've actually tried to find a female companion." Dende shook his head.

"I have an idea," said Piccolo quietly.

"Well, what is it?"

"A nightclub."

"Um, okaaay." Kibito stared blankly at Piccolo, not sure what he meant by 'nightclub'. They soon left the coffee shop.

***

"Is this some kind of a joke?!" Kibito shouted. They stood outside of an ugly building decorated with gaudy neon lights. Techno music blared forth like there was no tomorrow, making it nearly impossible to hear anything under a few hundred decibels.

"I said 'nightclub'; I assumed you knew what I meant!" Piccolo yelled back. Kibito scowled.

"Hey, take it easy, you two!" shouted Dende, pulling the two into the club. Somehow, it was worse inside. The music was louder, the people noisier and stupider. They danced everywhere, making it impossible to get around. And then there was the bouncer, who insisted on asking for Dende's ID.

"What's an ID?" Dende asked. The bouncer promptly asked him to leave. Dende shrugged. "Oh well. Guess I'm just a kid, anyway." He told them he'd be waiting outside and left.

"Oh, so he gets out of this?" Kibito snarled.

"Shut up already and start looking around." Piccolo thrust Kibito towards the main dance floor.

"I don't think so. I don't know how to dance...particularly not like them."

"Make something up."

"Are you crazy?!?" Too late. Piccolo had already disappeared into the depths of the club. Kibito inwardly cursed the Namek and shoved his way to the edge of the dance floor, apprehensively watching the mass of bodies undulating to the beat of the music under the colorful lights.

"Wanna dance?" drawled a voice behind him. Kibito nearly jumped, it scared him so badly. He turned around to see a very tall (by human standards, not his), not particularly attractive woman. "Well, do you?"

"Er..." Kibito sweated. Something seemed...*wrong*, but he couldn't quite put his finger on it. "I...I'd rather not."

"That's all right." To Kibito's dismay, the woman took his arm and smiled up at him. "How 'bout a drink?" Before Kibito could object, she pulled him towards the bar, pushed him onto a stool, sat on his lap, and called to the bartender.

***

Five minutes later, Kibito ran screaming out of the club. "UGH!!! BLECH!!! I'VE BEEN DISGRACED!!! I'M GOING TO VOMIT!!!"

Dende, who was sitting on the curb outside, got up, stopped him, and told him to calm down. "What's wrong?"

"SHE -- IT WAS A MAN!!!"

"What are you talking about?" said Dende, looking up concernedly. Kibito merely hopped from foot to foot, pointing fearfully at the building. "Okaaay...I'm not quite sure what you mean..."

Kibito finally composed himself and explained about a certain "woman" who tried to get him to dance and to drink; who sat in his lap, tried to kiss him, and eventually revealed "herself" to be a male in drag.

"Ew," said Dende, making a face. Even he, someone who couldn't fully understand anything to do with genders, was grossed out. "I take it you want to go home then?" he asked, expecting Kibito to nod vigorously.

Instead, the big pink guy hunched over and shook nervously. "Can't...go back..." he whispered. "Chi-chi will beat me..."

"Oh, I'm sure she'll understand," Dende soothed. "I mean, you did have a pretty nasty surprise." He looked around. "Well, let's go back in and get Piccolo..." He trailed off as he noticed that Kibito was shaking again. "On second thought, let's just wait out here for him. Yeah." The two sat down on the curb.

A little while later, Piccolo rushed out of the building with a sly grin spread across his face. "There you are, Kibito! I've been looking for you for the past twenty minutes." Kibito and Dende looked up. "You guys won't believe what I saw!"

"Was it a transvestite?" Kibito remarked pointedly.

"What? No." Piccolo gave Kibito a confused look.

"A cross-dresser hit on him," Dende told Piccolo quietly.

"Oh." The taller Namek stifled his laughter and continued with what he was saying. "I saw -- I saw Bulma in there...with Yamcha. They were making out and dancing...shit like that."

"So? Bulma's of no importance, and Yamcha...I don't even remember who he is."

"It doesn't matter. Point is, you can tell Chi-chi about this, and she'll forget all about getting you a girlfriend for the time being."

"I think he has excuses enough for tonight," said Dende.

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To be continued...why? Because this ended up being much, much longer than I expected. So next time, expect the end to this misadventure before we move on to other forms of Kibito torture.


	3. Last Resort

A/N: Sorry bout the long wait. It's been strange writing this, just coming from a weird shounen-ai/yaoi kick. Oh well. I don't like this chapter so much as the second one, but I wanted to get this part done and over with.

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Kibito's Vacation

Part 3: Last Resort

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Dende was surprisingly right. Chi-chi was sympathetic to Kibito's plight. She told him to take it easy for a day or so. Then Piccolo elbowed Kibito, and he told Chi-chi about Bulma and Yamcha's little date. Flabbergasted, Chi-chi forgot all about Kibito's love life for an entire week. Kibito enjoyed his little vacation from vacation.

Unfortunately, the week ended, and Chi-chi got her mind back on track. "Kibito," she said one day, "I know you've had quite a jarring experience, but do you think you're ready to start looking again?" 

Kibito, not wishing to ruin this motherly and seemingly PMS-free streak of conversation, quickly nodded. "But I'm not going back to that club. EVER," he asserted.

"No one's making you go there, Kibito." Chi-chi walked over to the phone, sighed, and gave him a dubious look. "I really hate to do this..." she muttered.

"Pardon?" said Kibito, wide-eyed. "Do what?"

Chi-chi picked up the phone and began dialing. A few moments later, she said, "Master Roshi? It's Chi-chi. I have a favor to ask you"

***

I left one dirty old man when I came here, thought Kibito. Why is it that I have to spend my time with another? He was none too pleased. Roshi was apparently Chi-chi's last resort for finding Kibito a girlfriend. Kibito couldn't even see how he fit into the scheme; the perverted old man seemed like lady repellent more than anything else. He pinched one young woman's butt and got himself beat over the head with a handbag. He asked another if she would hold it against him if he told her she had a nice body, which got him a smack across the face. After this specific act of lechery, Roshi turned to Kibito. "It's easy to pick up chicks, you know."

"Yes, you've proven that yourself," Kibito replied stiffly.

Roshi, missing the sarcasm, grinned. "You know it." The setting sun glinted off his glasses. "You must have been going about it the wrong way. You can't just wait for the hot ones to come to you. It doesn't work like that. You have to make the moves."

Oh brother. Kibito sweatdropped.

"Now, this works anywhere, not just in clubs. In fact, you probably shouldn't go to a club; they're a bad place for beginners," Roshi said with expertise. "But you want a brainy girl, go to a library; a bohemian girl, the artsy-fartsy section of town; a girl in a bikini, the beach..." His nose bled.

Kibito couldn't contain himself any longer. "How could you possibly get a date for me, much less yourself, when you objectify women to such an extent?!?"

Roshi looked blankly at him, then started to laugh. "That's a good one. Now come on, let's go chase some skirts." He walked off. Kibito followed him, prevented from hauling and slugging the old man by some degree of courtesy.

They ended up at the grocery store, where Roshi ogled a blonde girl behind the cash register (ironically, the same girl whose contempt had launched Chi-chi's crusade in the first place). As one can imagine, Kibito was bored, annoyed, and quickly losing patience. In the name of all things good...even Rou Dai-Kaioshin-sama isn't this bad! He glowered and finally decided to leave.

Gohan was the only person home when Kibito appeared back at the house. "How did it go?" asked the demi-Saiyan good-naturedly.

"It was a waste of time." Kibito snorted. "I'm a lost cause if incorrigible old lechers are my only help. We ended up at the supermarket so he could leer at the cashier. Disgusting, utterly disgusting. I took off."

Far from affirming Kibito's disgust (as the immortal expected him to do), Gohan stared at him in shock. "You left Master Roshi alone in the city?!? You're kidding, right?"

Kibito gulped. "Um, no..."

"Kibito!" said Gohan frantically. "We've got to go find him before he gets himself slapped with a lawsuit!" He pulled on his shoes, pushed Kibito out the door, and they Kai-kaied to the grocery store.

The two warriors nearly had a heart attack when they got there. Roshi was nowhere to be found; a little asking around told them that the bearded pervert had been escorted out of the store by security after hitting on the cashier. Kibito and Gohan stepped outside.

"Where else might he have gone?"

"I dunno," Gohan said, scratching his head, "Let's think...where would there be lots of women?"

Kibito's eyes bulged. "Why are you asking *ME*?!? I can't even get a girlfriend!"

"Hey, take it easy." Gohan thought for a moment. "I think I know where he may have gone..."

***

"Ah no...I am NOT going in there!"

"Well, I don't want to go in there, either, but we kind of have to..." pleaded Gohan, scratching his head and blushing.

"I don't care! I am not going into a...a...a store like *that*!" Kibito was bright red, and for good reason. The two were standing in front of a lingerie store in the mall. "Why here?!?"

"Roshi and Oolong are always talking about this place...I just imagined this would be the first place he'd go..."

"I hate you."

"Don't get mad at me! You're the one who left him alone." Gohan sweatdropped. "We can't afford to waste any more time now, so you're just going to have to grin and bear it." He grabbed Kibito's arm and pulled him into the shop.

As Gohan nervously searched the store, Kibito caught a glimpse of, well, undergarments. (How could he not? I mean, really...) Quickly, he closed his eyes, but the unfortunate seed of thought had been planted in his mind. Bras and panties were swimming around in his head, and he couldn't get them out.

A saleswoman walked up to the two men quizzically. "Can I help you?"

"AH! GOD, NO! BRAS AND PANTIES!" Kibito shrieked and ran out of the store,

Gohan turned scarlet and fell over. "I don't know...I just don't know..."

***

Five minutes later, Gohan found a hyperventilating Kibito at the back of the mall's bookstore and dragged him away. "Did you have to embarrass me like that?" complained the demi-Saiyan. Kibito merely whimpered. "Oh well; I found out what I wanted to know, anyway." Gohan explained that the saleswoman had seen Master Roshi, and that he had mentioned going to a certain bar downtown. That was now Gohan and Kibito's destination.

Upon arriving at the bar, they learned that Roshi had gone to a flower shop, where they encountered the same problem. Soon they were being shunted from place to place in search of the turtle hermit: the café, the public swimming pool, a dance studio, a gynecologist's office (much to Kibito's horror), and (even more so) an adult bookstore. Finally, they ended up at the Satan City Cinema.

"Do you think he's in here?" Gohan asked. "I mean, do you think someone like him would come here?"

"When I turn into a raunchy old man, I'll let you know." Kibito looked around contemptuously, calm after the lingerie store episode. Inwardly, however, the pink giant was hopping around nervously like a frightened old lady. Everything was going wrong, and it could so easily get worse. And it was ALL HIS FAULT. Not that he would admit that. "Come on, let's go in there and look for him."

"You're the boss." The two warriors entered the cinema to find a vast horde of people crowding the place. Gohan gulped. "Erm...this is going to be harder than I thought."

"Hn."

"Well?"

"Well, what?"

"Any ideas?"

Kibito looked down at his feet. "No, not really."

"Hmm...maybe you should check the separate theaters, and I'll look through the lobby?"  


"So be it." Kibito sighed and Kai-kaied away.

***

By the end of thirty or so minutes, Kibito had accomplished a great deal: he had stepped on a big ol' wad of chewed gum, been screeched at by some harridan who insisted that he was blocking her view, and learned that Leonardo DiCaprio is a shitty, shitty actor -- a fact that took the vast majority of Americans much longer than half an hour to figure out. However, Kibito did not find Master Roshi in any of the theaters, and so he Kai-kaied back to the lobby.

The crowd was just as bad as before, and Kibito could not see Gohan anywhere. With a exasperated sigh, he looked over the whole room, but in this case, his height didn't help; all he could see were the tops of people's heads...most with dark hair. Kibito growled and resisted the urge to say anything blasphemous. Why must these mortals all look so...so SIMILAR?!? A little more searching revealed nothing, but all of a sudden, a voice rang out over the dull roar of the crowd.

"ROSHI!"

Kibito jumped at the sound. It was Gohan, all right. He looked toward the source of the sound, but his eyes caught on a sight a few yards ahead of the teenager. A gleaming bald head...shining sunglasses...a hand reaching out eagerly and a white beard framing a lascivious smirk...

"Nooooooo!"

Quickly, Kibito shoved away across the room, picked up Roshi by collar, and glared down into the old man's surprised face. "What," the pink giant snarled, "do you think you are doing?"

Roshi grinned nervously. "Heh...you see, it's a long story..."

"I'm sure it is," Kibito said disgustedly, his voice growing quiet and more dangerous. "Now knock it off. Such behavior is completely...completely unacceptable!!!" He practically spat the words. "Awful old pervert..."

"I -- I see," Roshi said. "Could you, ah, put me down?" Kibito glowered and dropped Master Roshi, just in time for a beet-red Gohan to take the old man aside and whisper an embarrassed admonition to the turtle hermit. Kibito turned to Roshi's intended victim, who was gawking at her champion. "I apologize for anything he might have done," he said, jerking his head toward Roshi.

The woman's stare of shock turned into one of admiration, and she colored prettily. "Oh, he didn't do anything yet. But thank you..." She smiled up at him quizzically.

Kibito blinked down at her dumbly. "UhKibito."

"Thank you, Kibito." Her smile was making the divine assistant feel interestingly uneasy. "I'm Janine. It's nice to meet you."

"Um, yeah," said Kibito. Seeing an opportunity, Gohan nudged Kibito. "The feeling is mutual."

Janine beamed brighter. "Would you like to, I don't know, see a movie?"

Kibito finally returned the smile. "Just so long as it doesn't involve that Leonardo DiCaprio fellow."

And this, Kibby-chan got himself a girlfriend. Janine and he went out every night, to the movies or to restaurants or to museums. He hadn't felt this happy in thousands of years, when he had had a family. Janine was truly a wonderful person.

She dumped him after two weeks. Said he was too stuffy.

Poor Kibito.

As for Roshi, rest assured that he got a good piece of Chi-chi's mind...and her frying pan.

----------------------------------------------------

To be continued... just think, next time will involve a party at Mr. Satan's. Oh, goody.

---------------------------------------------------------

::::Just an afterthought here::::

Rou Kaioshin: Ha! "Too stuffy," eh?

Kibito: -_-" What are you doing here, sir?

Rou: I dunno, why aren't you fused with my descendant?

Kibito: .

Rou: I thought so. So, are you still lookin' for a girl?

Kibito: No.

Rou: *ignores him* Hmm, what about that one? Not much to look at, but she seems to like writing about you.

Meressefers: *bats eyelashes at Kibito over her notebook*

Kibito: NO! She...she's evil...she'll call me Kibby-chan and make me listen to her one-person performance of Oedipus Rex...eeeeeee... *cowers*

Meressefers: That I will! ^_^x

Kibito: *sweatdrops & falls over*

Meressefers: Ah, my job here is done.

Rou: Or is it? *leers*

Meresssefers: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! *runs away screaming* That's it for now; the next chapter is coming soon!


	4. Christmas in July

A/N: Once again, sorry about the long wait. I blame it on my stupid summer assignments. Honors English...eeeeeevil... It ruins everyone's fun. Anyway, I think this chapter turned out pretty good. ^_^

Also, I'd like to thank everyone who's been reading & reviewing. To tell the truth, I really didn't expect much of an audience for a fic starring our favorite pink sourpuss, but hooray! Perhaps I can make Kibito fans out of all of you...or perhaps not.

----------------------------------------

Kibito's Vacation

Part 4: Christmas in July

----------------------------------------

After Janine, Chi-chi gave up on trying to find Kibito a girlfriend. Though a bit dejected about being dumped and all, Kibito was quite relieved, and things sank back into their normal routine at the Son household. Well, they did, until...

"Look!" said Chi-chi one day as she came in from the mailbox with big, sparkly eyes. She clutched a bright yellow envelope to her chest. "It's an invitation to Mr. Satan's party!"

Gohan sweatdropped and laughed. "See? I told you we'd get one." Chi-chi blithely ignored him and twirled in a circle. Kibito grunted and looked away, thinking of the Chi-chi who, upon learning of the party a week ago, stormed around the house saying that she'd teach that lout Hercule some manners if he had the nerve not to invite his only daughter's boyfriend's family to his stupid soiree.

"Aw, that's great, Chi-chi!" said Goku, wrapping his arms around his wife. "What's it for?"

The warrior matriarch dropped her gleeful expression just long enough to glare at her husband. "It's a Christmas party. Don't you ever pay attention around here?!"

Goku scratched his head. "'Course I do, Chi-chi; it's just that I forget sometimes." Chi-chi sighed and sat down. Goten, looking confused, plopped down next to her.

"Mom?"

"Hmm?"

"It's July, right?"

"Yes."

"Why's Mr. Hercule having a Christmas party, then?"

"You know," said Chi-chi, furrowing her brow, "I don't really know."

"To flout his wealth?" Kibito suggested, hoping to get under Chi-chi's skin. 

To his surprise, she agreed. "Yeah, probably. But it really doesn't matter, so long as it gets us out of the house and into civilized company for once."

"We do go to Capsule Corp. whenever Bulma has a party," Gohan said meekly.

"Yeah, well, she puts heavy sedatives into Vegeta's meals before every party, and that still doesn't make him 'civilized company'." Chi-chi frowned at pulled the invitation out of the already opened envelope. "Let's see...it's July 25th -- that's next week...and we're all invited."

"Can Trunks come with us?" asked Goten.

"Eh, we'll see about that."

Kibito, getting bored and desperately needing to relieve himself, stood up and started walking towards the bathroom. Chi-chi glared at him.

"Where do you think you're going, Mister? You've got to hear this, too, you know!"

"I don't see how it really concerns me. I'm not going to the party."

"You're a part of this family now, Kibito, SO YOU'RE GOING. End of discussion." She gave Kibito an admonitory look. He gazed longingly at the door, then quickly sat down. He would find a better time to change her mind.

***

As it turned out, Kibito found several different -- but not better -- times to talk to Chi-chi about the party. He ended up with a concussion every time (good thing he could heal himself) and the response that he was going to Hercule's party and that was that. So July 25th rolled around, and all hell broke loose.

"GOOOOTEEEEN!" Chi-chi shrieked at the door of her youngest son's bedroom. "You'd better be putting that tie on right!"

"Yes, Mother," came the reply. Everyone else was standing around Chi-chi, dressed to the nines at her request -- perhaps even the nine-point-fives or, at the very least, the eight-point-nines -- with the exception of Kibito. Our long-suffering protagonist had donned his old Kaioshin-style clothing, and Chi-chi, in the chaos of that morning, didn't seem to notice.

"Uh...Mom?" said Gohan nervously. "Don't worry so much about Goten wearing a tie and all. Like I said, this is a casual party."

"Casual, schmasual," Chi-chi snapped. "They're rich people; they wouldn't know casual if it bit 'em on the butt. And," she said, putting on the mushy grin and sparkly eyes of a week earlier, "we have to fit in."

Gohan sweatdropped and wisely closed his mouth. A minute later, Goten came out of his room, his tie tangled in a big ol' clumpy knot around his neck. "How do I look?" he asked.

"ARGH! That's all wrong!" Chi-chi just about burst. Fortunately, Goku stepped in and fixed Goten's tie, preventing any explosions/heart attacks/frying pan-whackings.

"There you go, kiddo!" Goku said with a grin. He patted Goten on the head. "Now you're lookin' sharp, just like your old man." Goten grinned back, and Goku turned to his wife. "Ready to go, Chi-chi?"

"Hmm...just a minute..." she said, looking through her pocketbook for one final time.

***

An hour and a half later...

They finally left after Chi-chi inspected everyone's clothing, yelled at Kibito upon discovering that he was not wearing a suit, yelled at him more when he remarked that only an idiot would tie a miniature noose around his own neck to look "formal," and lectured everyone on minding their manners. Then, of course, she had to rifle through her purse for yet another "final" time and make sure she had everything she needed: house keys, spare change, lipstick, capsulized frying pan ("Bulma's greatest invention," as Chi-chi called it), et cetera.

To further delay things, she decided that there wouldn't be any "Kai-kaiing" or "Instantaneous Movement-ing" because it would be completely undignified to just suddenly _appear_ in front of the Satan mansion. This, of course, provoked an argument with Kibito, who cited that there was nothing undignified at all about using one's psychic abilities. Chi-chi pulled out the previously mentioned capsule, and Kibito obediently dialed a taxicab company on the phone.

The taxi, however, came twenty minutes late, and when it did finally arrive at the Son house, they discovered that not everyone could fit in it comfortably, not even if all of the family proper sat stacked on each other's laps on one side of the cab and Kibito on the other. So Chi-chi sent the cab-driver back and insisted on _somebody_ teleporting them to the Satan mansion. As you can imagine, Kibito nearly burst a blood vessel. As it was, he fainted straight away out of sheer frustration, and Goku ended up transporting them all to Hercule's house.

They landed literally on Hercule's doorstep, nearly tripping some snobby old lady who happened to have been crossing the threshold at the time. She sputtered and screamed at them until Chi-chi revived Kibito with a quick slap across the face. Kibito glared mightily at Chi-chi, but the rich-yet-overly-bright woman whom they had bumped into thought that _she_ was the target of his glare. She went wide-eyed and promptly turned and went on her way, muttering, "Why, I never!" under her breath.

In any case, the happy bunch entered the mansion, where Videl soon greeted them. "Why are you all dressed up like this?" she asked, cocking an eyebrow at their attire. Gohan turned bright red and shrugged, while sending his mother a _look_. Videl then led them to her father, the much-lauded Mr. Satan.

"You remember Gohan, right, Dad?" she said.

"Right, right, 'course I do. How's it going, kid?" Hercule asked. He shook Gohan's hand, though not before fixing him with a suspicious gaze.

"Um, great, sir; how about you--" Gohan started, only to see Mr. Satan move on to the rest of his family.

"His mom, right? Great boy you've got here...Goten, huh? Nice job in the Budokai last year, little guy...Goku! Nice seeing you again, after taking on that evil little menace Buu. Yeah!"

Goku blinked, his face registering an expression somewhere between confusion and embarrassment.

Hercule then moved on to Kibito. He looked up at the pink giant, a searching expression on his face. "You're...uh...you're -- I see the family resemblance -- you're..."

"You're an idiot," said Kibito. Chi-chi smacked him hard with her pocketbook. "Hey! Ouch!" He winced slightly. "That was uncalled for!"

"No, :that: was uncalled for," Chi-chi said pointedly. Kibito, not about to concede defeat to Chi-chi once again, merely glowered. Then, all of a sudden...

"FOOD!!!" squealed Goku, looking in every way like an excited puppy. He hopped eagerly from one foot to the other.

"Oh, no," said Chi-chi, Kibito, and Gohan in unison. Videl blinked.

"Pleeeease, Chi-chi-sa? PLEASE?" Goku pleaded, looking back and forth between his wife and the heaping buffet table set up across the room. Goten joined in. "Pleeeeease?"

"Well," said Chi-chi, biting her lip, "I don't --"

"Go right ahead! That's what's catering's for!" said Hercule jovially.

Goku grinned widely. "I've gotta hand it to you, Hercule, you're a great guy. Thanks!" He and Goten ran off towards the aforementioned table. Chi-chi shot Hercule her patented "I-will-kill-you-once-I-take-care-of-my-husband" look and raced after them.

Gohan looked nervously at his family, then turned red and grabbed Videl's arm. "Uh...we gotta go now!" The two slunk off somewhere, leaving the misfortunate Kibito with Mr. Satan.

"Now you, you're--" the "champion" started, shaking his finger.

"I think we both know that I am not part of Son Gohan's, er, _family_," Kibito interrupted him. "Please drop the act. There's no need to make yourself into more of a fool than you already have."

"Right," said Hercule, looking away sheepishly. Kibito turned to walk away. "Say, aren't you, uh, that guy from the tournament?"

"Erm...yeah," Kibito said uneasily, stopping and in no way liking where this conversation was going. "Why do you ask?"

"I was just wondering..." Hercule trailed off. Kibito tried leaving for a second time, but was stopped again. "...Kibbutz or Kompeto, right? You were supposed to go up against that scrawny kid my Videl's dating."

"That's correct...but my name is Kibito. Get it right or don't use it at all." He frowned down, hoping to frighten Hercule off. It didn't work.

"Kibito, huh? How'd ya like the party so far?"

"I don't know; your presence has prevented me from participating in it."

Hercule was pretty much unfazed by Kibito's curt reply. "...Uh...sorry about that. You wanna go spar or something?"

"Oo;; What?! N-No!" Kibito sputtered. "This is neither the time nor the place!"

"Oh, come on! Everyone loves a good fight," Hercule asserted hopefully. "We'll give everybody something to watch."

Yeah, and it would be something, too. Kibito sweatdropped. "It wouldn't exactly be a fair fight, now, would it?"

"Don't worry about it! I'll go easy on you."

Kibito promptly fell over.

"Hey, Kibito! You all right? 'Bito? How many fingers am I holding up?! 'BITO?!?"

***

"I'm going to get some snacks now; you want any?" Hercule asked.

"No, thank you," Kibito mumbled, his patience growing short. It had been forty-five minutes since he had arrived at the party, and Hercule was _still_ following him around, trying (and failing) to make conversation. It was infuriating -- enough so that Kibito, who hadn't eaten anything since 7:00 that morning, ignored his own ravenous hunger in the hopes that Hercule would leave him well enough alone.

"What was that, 'Bito-kun?" Hercule looked inquisitively at the divine assistant.

"I SAID, 'NO THANK YOU!'" Kibito snarled. His stomach growled angrily.

"Yipes!" Hercule went wide-eyed and scampered off towards the buffet, which miraculously seemed to have survived the onslaught of Goku and son. "Remember, you can always help yourself to some chow!" he yelled back.

Kibito paid no heed to this. "'Bito-kun"? Argh... Even he was having trouble restraining himself when the man he considered to be the biggest baka in the human race was making up nicknames for him. ...the assumed familiarity... :( ... Even Kaioshin, the closest person to him in the universe, would never think of addressing him with such a demeaning name.

Hercule soon returned with two plates stacked high with food. "I hope you like roast beef sandwiches!" He grinned. Kibito nearly drooled at the sight of the big, juicy sandwich merely a step away. His stomach grumbled more furiously than before, but he knew he had to get rid of Hercule first.

"I...um...which way is the lavatory?" he asked weakly.

"Right down that hallway." Hercule blinked. "D'ya want me to hold on to your food for you?"

"Don't burden yourself!" Kibito yelled back, already halfway down the aforementioned hallway. "Just put it down somewhere!" He sprinted into the bathroom, slammed the door shut, and locked it. "Phew."

He waited in there for ten minutes, at which time he sensed that Hercule was no longer hovering around his plate, and then went back into the party. Time to eat... he thought dreamily. Then he realized he had no clue where Hercule had put his plate. "Kuso!" he said, perhaps a bit too loudly. A rich old couple (perhaps the only people there a dressed up as Goku's family) heard him and stared in shock. The man's monocle dropped from his eye, snapped in half, and fell into his glass of sherry.

"That's my third monocle this week," he said. "I simply must stop being so horrified."

"Indeed, Bartholomew," said his wife.

Kibito rolled his eyes and walked away.

He soon spotted his beautiful, untouched meal sitting on a table near the buffet with a sign that read, "DO NOT EAT. ORDERS OF MR. SATAN." He smirked and headed across the room, only to be halted by a conga line. Kibito prevented himself from cursing aloud again and waited for the dancing maniacs to pass by, but there were soooo many of them. "Argh..." Then he felt a ki approaching his sandwich. "Grr...not Hercule again!" But just looking over the crowd, he didn't see Hercule anywhere near his food. In fact, he didn't see anyone near his food. The conga line passed him completely. His jaw twitching, he pushed his way over to the table. 

"All right, you, this is my sandwich and you can't have it!" he barked and looked down, only to see nothing. He looked down a little further and found his culprit.

"Heh heh...sorry, Kibito," said Goten, his head poking out from under the table. His words, however, came out something like, "Heh hm...rorrm, Kibmmph meh," on account of the half of the sandwich he had shoved in his mouth. He crawled out, swallowed said half, and placed the other, uneaten half back on the plate and handed it to Kibito.

"Oh, just keep it," Kibito said exasperatedly. "I'll get myself a new one." He strode over to the buffet and made himself a new meal, then found a chair and sat down to eat. Goten followed and sat beside him, still eating the old sandwich.

"So," Kibito began after devouring the majority of his sandwich, "why were you under that table?"

"I was hiding from my mom." 

Who isn't? thought Kibito.

Goten giggled. "And then I got hungry."

"Uh-huh." Kibito polished off the last bit of his food. "What did you do?"

"Huh?"

"What did you do that you have to hide from your mother?"

"Oh, _I_ didn't do anything," Goten said innocently. "Some guy called Dad a big pig, an' Mom got mad."

"That's a good reason," Kibito affirmed, nodding his head. They sat and talked for awhile, Goten's presence somehow soothing after nearly an hour with Mr. Satan. Then the peace was shattered.

"Hey, 'Bito! There you are!" said a familiar voice, rapidly moving close to Kibito and Goten.

"Not again!" Kibito groaned. He clamped a hand on Goten's shoulder. "Kai-kai!"

They soon re-appeared in the bathroom, which, fortunately for them, was not occupied. "What'd you do that for?" asked Goten, confused.

"To get away from Hercule." Kibito grimaced. "I swear by all things holy, if I have to spend one more minute with that man, I'll cause somebody bodily harm!"

"Oh." Goten scratched his head. "Why'd you take me?"

"To save you from the overwhelming stupidity." Kibito looked down at Goten's cluelessly grinning face. "You know, scratch that thought." He sighed and sat down cross-legged on the floor, covering his face with his hands.

At that moment, the doorknob began to turn. "Uh, Kibito?" said Goten. "Kibito? Someone's trying to get in." He shook Kibito by the shoulder.

"What?" Kibito gritted his teeth, then pulled Goten close, ready to teleport the hell out of there. "Arrrr... Why me?! Why didn't I lock that dumb door?"

"Hey!" shouted Goten. "Whoever's out there, go away! We need our privacy."

Too late. The door opened, and a head popped in. It was the old rich lady whom Kibito had shocked earlier. "'We'?" she whispered quizzically. Then she saw Kibito and Goten and screamed. "Aaah!!! Child molester!!!"

"WHAT?!?" Kibito spat, scooting away from Goten. "NO!!!"

"You sick, sick man!" the woman managed to shriek before fainting with a loud thud.

"Oh, no! Livia, are you all right?!" her husband screamed from outside the bathroom. He ran in, saw his wife's unconscious form, then looked up and noticed Kibito and Goten. "How repulsive!" he hissed, what must have been his fourth monocle dropping and breaking on the tiled floor. "And in Mr. Satan's bathroom at that! You monster!"

"No!!!" Kibito's face contorted into an expression of the utmost disgust. "It's not like that at all!"

Bartholomew turned and shouted out of the bathroom, "Help! Someone, help! Bring smelling salts! And take away this awful man!"

Kibito finally regained his senses and Kai-kaied out of there with Goten. "Are you all right?" Kibito asked once they were back by the chairs they had occupied barely two minutes ago.

"Um, yeah," said Goten. "Kibito, what's a child molester?"

Kibito sweatdropped. "It's a...it's a very bad kind of person."

"Are you one?"

"_Nooooo_," Kibito responded emphatically. He sat back down in his chair.

"Whoa," said Hercule, who was now standing before them, dot-eyed. "How'd ya do that?"

"Do what?" Kibito asked. He didn't want to explain anything to the imbecilic Champ.

"Just disappear and appear like that," said Hercule. "I mean, wow!"

"It's called Kai-kai," Kibito answered, irritated. "It's a telekinetic ability beyond your comprehension."

"Oh," said Hercule, not especially enlightened.

Kibito sighed. "It's not that hard to understand. I all but brought you to Kaioshin-Kai using that particular technique."

"What are you talking about?" Hercule was even more perplexed than before. "'Kaioshin-Kai'?"

"The Kaioshin planet?" Kibito countered, only to receive a blank look in response. "The place where Vegeta and Son Goku fought 'Kid' Buu?"

"You mean that freaky little Buu?"

"-_-;; Yes."

"Yeah, I remember that place...but you didn't bring me there; that was that purple-skinned guy --"

"That was me." Kibito scowled.

"Couldn't have been --"

"Fine! It was half me!"

"...So he was your son?"

"No! He was my fusion!"

"Your... 'fusion'...?"

"Yes, my '_fusion'_ between Kaioshi-- er, Mr. Shin and myself. Surely you saw Goku and Vegeta do the same!"

"Oh. Okay, I got you now," said Hercule, obviously still confused.

"Kibito, whatever happened to that fusion?" asked Goten.

Kibito twitched. "Does it really matter?"

There was a long silence.

"Hey, kid," Hercule finally offered, "do you want to go see Santa Claus?"

"Santa Claus?" Goten echoed, his face stamped with a look of vacant delight.

"That's right," said Hercule, leaning down to Goten's height. "And he's not just your run-of-the-mill Santa Claus, either."

"Oh, goody!" Goten squealed.

"'Santa Claus'?" inquired Kibito.

"You don't know who Santa is?!" Goten exclaimed.

"No...should I?" Kibito received no answer, just stares from Goten and Hercule. He looked into Goten's mind, figuring that the mysterious "Santa" would be the first thing there.

:::In Goten's mind...an elephant eating a peanut.:::

That can't be right, Kibito thought. He turned to Hercule.

:::In Hercule's mind...nothing but a hollow ringing sound.:::

Kibito glared. What's the use of being able to read minds if there's _nothing_ to read?!

"What are we waiting for? Come on!" Hercule said, leading the two towards another room, out of which was a line of children spilled. "Now, Santa Claus is a big, fat, jolly man who gives out presents to good little boys and girls on Christmas." He turned to Goten. "Have you been a good little boy this year?"

"Yup!" said Goten. "Mom yells at me a lot, but my dad says I'm good."

"I'm sure you are." Hercule chuckled. They walked into the room, where many of the children, apparently in line to see Santa, giggled and pointed to Hercule. "Lookee! It's Mr. Satan!" a couple of them cried out excitedly.

"That's me," Hercule said proudly. "And guess what? Once you're done telling Santa what you want for Christmas, I'll sign autographs for you all."

"YAY!" said the children.

"Get on up there," Hercule told Goten. "I'll let you cut, okay?"

"'Kay!" Goten chirped, racing up to Santa. The kid at the front of the line pouted.

Kibito followed Goten with his eyes and studied the cause of the children's glee. Big, fat...red suit, white beard, seems jolly enough... So this is "Santa Claus"...big smile, round pink face... He gulped. Round pink face?!? He looked at Jolly Old Saint Nick again and whimpered. "Eaaaaah..."

"What is it, Kibito?" asked Goten, seeming oblivious to just whose lap he was sitting on.

"Yeah," added the Santa Claus, "Buu not make good Santa?"

"B-B-Buu?" Kibito squeaked out. He nearly soiled himself.

"Yeah, Buu," said Hercule. He narrowed his eyes. "Wait, how do you still know about Buu?" Bewildering, he came to another realization. "Hey, you knew about Buu before, too. How --"

"I'm -- I'm not from Earth," Kibito managed. "I helped in the fight against him."

"Uh-huh," said Hercule, still giving Kibito a suspicious look.

"It's okay, Kibito. This Buu's good now," Goten said reassuringly.

"I know, it's just..." Kibito shuddered spasmodically, then turned unusually calm.

"It's just what?" Hercule cocked his head in bafflement. "You sure you're okay?"

"Yes, I am fine," Kibito said robotically. "Please excuse my bizarre and completely irrational outburst."

"Okaaaaay..." Hercule blinked, raising an eyebrow. Goten, however, was just having a grand old time with Santa Claus.

"I want a bike and a monkey and a friend for the monkey!" he stated happily.

Fat Buu nodded at him. "Santa make sure you get it, yes, yes!"

"Thank you, Santa Claus!" Smiling, Goten hopped off Buu's lap and over to Kibito. "I'm getting a monkey for Christmas!"

Kibito, now over both his freaked-out and trance-like states, gave him a funny look. "You _are_ a monkey, Goten."

"_No_, I'm getting a _monkey_ monkey. Like King Kai's one that my dad is always talking about."

Kibito, having not a blasted clue what Goten was talking about, merely grunted. The children who had been in line to see Santa did so, then ran up to Hercule, clamoring for his autograph.

"One at a time, one at a time," Hercule said, trying to write and calm the chibis down at the same time.

Kibito, sensing the inherent idiocy of it all, somehow turned off his mind and spaced out. So, of course, he was very surprised when a little boy shoved a notebook and pen in his face, saying, "Hold-on-a-minute-Mommy-I-want-to-get-Mr.-Satan's-friend's-autograph!"

"He's not just my friend," said Hercule, clapping Kibito on the back. "This is the great and mighty Kibito!"

"The great and mighty Kibito!" the children repeated in awe. Kibito, a dazed smile turning up the corners of his mouth, scrawled his name in the boy's notebook. Soon, every child left was asking for his signature in addition to Mr. Satan's. Parents were snapping pictures left and right of their kids with Hercule and Kibito. Kibito gave the "V for Victory" sign as each camera flash went off in his face.

Eventually, every child got both men's autographs, and Hercule induced them to sing Christmas carols. "How 'bout 'Santa Claus is Coming to Town'?" he suggested.

"Yes, Mr. Satan!" the children said collectively. Everyone in the room -- even Kibito -- sang.

"...You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout; I'm telling you why: Santa Claus is coming to town. He's making a list and checking it twice; he's gonna find out who's naughty or nice. Santa Claus is coming to town... He sees you when you're sleeping; he knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good, so be good for goodness' sake! Oh, you better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout; I'm telling you why: Santa Claus is coming to town!"

***

By the time the Son family decided to leave the party, Kibito was in a complete stupor. Gohan found him sitting in the easy chair once occupied by Fat Buu, with Goten at his feet.

"Uh, Kibito?" Gohan inquired.

"Gohan!" Kibito grinned dopily.

"Um, yeah." The demi-Saiyan was thoroughly disturbed by the look on Kibito's face. "Are feeling okay?"

Kibito's grin grew, and he ignored Gohan's question. "You want my autograph? _You_, Gohan? Even though you're stronger than me and faster than me and better-looking than me AND Kaioshin-sama chose you to save the universe instead of me?!?"

"What happened to him?" Gohan asked, sweatdropping and turning to his brother. "Did he drink a few too many or something?" Goten shook his head. "Then why's he acting all goofy?"

"I think it was Mr. Hercule."

"That would do it," Gohan said matter-of-factly. He waved a hand in Kibito's face. "Helloooooo, anyone in there?"

"@_@"

"Er, that's not good." Gohan looked around to check that no one was watching, then whispered, "Sorry about this, Kibito." He then whacked the pink giant across the face.

Kibito immediately snapped back to normal. "Was that necessary?!" he snarled, a vein bulging in his forehead.

Gohan laughed uneasily. "Yeah...you were acting kind of kooky just now, Kibito." Kibito, having no response ready for this, stood up and glowered down silently. "Anyway, we've got to get going. Mom's been wanting to leave for the past half-hour." He led Goten and Kibito back into the main room, where Goku and Chi-chi were waiting.

"Are you ready yet?" Chi-chi demanded. She saw Goten, and her expression softened. "Oh, my little Goten! Come here, honey." She hugged her youngest son tightly, then said, "Mommy was so worried about you! The mayor's wife saw a child molester in the bathroom and got everyone scared. But you must've been with Kibito the whole time, right?"

"Yes, Mom," he replied as she ruffled his hair.

"Y-Yes, he was with me," Kibito added, shaken. He could vaguely recall the seven year-old's presence for the past few hours. He put that "Livia's" outlandish accusation out of mind.

"Look what I got, Mom!" Goten broke out of the hug and whipped a piece of paper out of his pocket. Chi-chi unfolded it to see two signatures: one was large and embellished in a John Hancock sort of way; the other was tiny, doctor-style chicken scratch. 

"Hmm...you got Hercule's autograph here, but who's this?" she asked, pointing to the illegible signature.

"Oh, that's -- " Goten started. Kibito quickly clamped a hand over his mouth.

"I don't think it's really all that important, SO GIVE IT HERE!" He snatched the paper away from Chi-chi and shoved it at Goten. The boy pocketed the sheet and just looked befuddled.

Chi-chi blinked at her now-empty hands, than at Kibito, then back at her hands again. "I'm in a good mood right now, so I'm going to pretend that whatever just happened just _didn't_."

"It's best that way," Kibito averred.

"Autograph?" squeaked Gohan, thinking of what the stupefied Kibito had said to him only a few moments earlier.

"Shut up," said Kibito.

"I got to see Santa Claus, too!" Goten piped in.

"Oh, you did, did you?" Chi-chi smirked. "Did you tell him what a mischievous boy you've been this year?"

"Noooo." Goten twittered.

"You got to see Santa Claus?" Goku whined incredulously. "Aw, you should've told me, Goten-chan! I'd have gone with you!"

Goten giggled yet some more. "It wasn't the _real_ Santa, silly daddy. _He_ lives at the North Pole. This was just Buu in a costume. *I* know the difference," he boasted.

"But a Santa is still a Santa!" Father and son wore the same cheesy grin.

"Chi-chi?" said Kibito.

"What?"

"Please take out that frying pan of yours and knock me unconscious so that I don't have to hear anymore about Santa Claus _from a grown man!"_

Chi-chi shook her head. "No can do. You didn't do anything worthy of a punishment. Besides, if I knock you out, how will we get home?"

"The same way we got here?"

"There's no one at home for Goku to focus his mind on, so we have to go your way."

"Very well." Kibito brought his lower lip up in what he hoped was a menacing scowl. Unfortunately, it gave a very different appearance than desired.

"Uh-oh, Kibito's pouting," Goten pointed out.

"Wow, he is." Goku scratched his head. "Well, you know what they say about pouting, right?"

"Right!" Goten and his father burst into song. "You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout; I'm telling you why --"

"Oh, be quiet already." Kibito grimaced, made everyone scooch toward him, and Kai-kaied away.

***

That night, Kibito had trouble sleeping. He sat in bed, thinking of (and cringing at) the day's events. Images of roast beef sandwiches and grinning children and smashed monocles flashed at him... and then a memory of belting out "Up On a Housetop" with Mr. Satan. "How embarrassing," he said to himself, glad that no one had witnessed that particular moment of humiliation.

Of course, now that he thought of that, a different Christmas tune came to mind. "You better not shout, you better not cry..." He wasn't quite sure who he wanted to blame for getting that musical masterpiece stuck in his head: Hercule, Goten, or Goku. Regardless, the chorus of children's voices was repeating the song over and over in his head.

Kibito tried to go to sleep, but now that the song was started, he couldn't get it out of his mind. He pulled his pillow over his ears and shook his head a few times, but to no avail.

"...He's making a list and checking it twice..."

"Yeah, I'll give him something to list," Kibito snorted as he tried various means to drive the song out of his head. The only way he could think of that would decisively end his suffering was to turn off his mind again, and that was the last thing he wanted to do. Who knows what I'd do then? Eventually, though, he became too tired to care anymore and started to drift off.

"...He sees you when you're sleeping..."

"Does he really?" Kibito murmured with a sleep-deprived smile -- which was almost, but not quite, as goofy as his braindead one. "Omniscience, eh? Heh, stupid mortals and their silly Earth-myths... Santa Claus sounds like a deity." He thought for a moment. "I wonder if Kaioshin-sama is watching me right now."

There was silence.

"Nah, couldn't be." He rolled over and went to sleep.

---------------------------------------

TBC... creepy, eh? -_-" The next chapter should be up in considerably less time than my last two have been. I have been :inspired:. Ooh.


	5. He Sees You When You're Sleeping

Kibito's Vacation

Part 5: He Sees You When You're Sleeping

-------------------------------------------

"*YAWN*!"

Kibito stretched as he got out of bed. It was nine o'clock in the morning, and although he had, having nothing better to do, gotten used to _not_ waking up at the crack of dawn, it was still pretty strange to open his eyes and see sunlight pouring in his room every morning.

He took a deep breath and smiled. The smell of Chi-chi's waffles was wafting up from the kitchen. "Ah, just in time for breakfast." He grabbed his slippers and headed downstairs, humming "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" under his breath.

Kibito made it halfway down the stairs before realizing that he was humming...and that he was humming _that song_. "Urgh," he said, shuddering. He went down a couple more steps and then realized that he was still in his pajamas. Wow, he thought. If Kaioshin-sama was really watching me, humming and walking around in my nightclothes, he'd think that I'd lost my mind. He pushed this thought aside and continued on his way.

Kibito entered the kitchen, where the three Saiyajins were already chowing down. Goku took a giant stack of waffles, already dripping with maple syrup, and shoved it into his mouth with his bare hands, swallowing the whole lot at once. Kibito gasped, his knees buckling.

"You see this every day, Kibito; don't act so shocked," said Chi-chi, not once lifting her eyes from the bowl of batter she was stirring. But it was not at Goku's copious eating habits that Kibito gawked.

Rather, the divine assistant had one heck of an itch...on his butt.

It must have been a fresh bug bite or something of that nature, but it little mattered to Kibito where it came from. All he knew was that all of a sudden, his posterior had started to itch like mad. Irresistibly, he reached down to scratch it.

"Tsk, tsk, Kibito," said a little voice inside his head, halting him. "What would Kaioshin say if he saw you scratch your behind in front of all these people? For he could very well see you right now. Are you willing to dishonor your lord like that?"

"No," said Kibito timidly. He quickly retracted his hand.

"What was that, Kibito?" Goku said between huge bites of food.

"I s-said, 'N-n-n--'" Kibito stopped, imagining just how nutty he'd sound if he told them he'd just said no to the voice in his head. He put on a stern face. "I--I mean, NO FOOD?! Woman, get cooking; I'm not going to wait a day and a half for my breakfast!"

"WHAT WAS THAT?!?" Chi-chi finally looked up from her stirring, her eyes gleaming murderously.

"N-nothing!" Kibito whimpered. He pulled up a chair and sat down, which relieved the itch for a moment. However, it soon started up again, and he bit his lip, trying to ignore it.

Chi-chi eventually set a big stack of waffles -- not nearly as gigantic as what Goku had downed in one gulp, but still pretty big -- in front of Kibito. Still trying to disregard his itch, Kibito picked up his knife and fork and began eating.

"Don't you want some syrup with that?" Gohan asked, pointing with his fork at Kibito's dish.

"Uh..." Kibito blinked down at his dry waffles. How strange I must seem to them...and to Kaioshin! Hastily, he set down his utensils and reached for the container closest to him, dumping its contents on his meal. His eyes bugged out. "Red..." He looked up in fear. "Why is it _red?!?_"

"Um...because it's strawberry jelly...?"

"I knew that!" Kibito snapped. Gohan shrugged and went back to eating. Kibito looked dubiously at his strawberry-ified waffles and picked up his silverware. They ended up not being half-bad at all, but once Kibito got over his shock, his butt resumed its, well, itchiness. The harder he tried not to think about it, the more he thought about it, and the more he thought about it, the more it itched. By the time he put away the last bite of waffle, he was squirming in his chair.

"Do you have to go pee or something?" Goten asked curiously.

"No, I..." Kibito trailed off, shut his mouth, and managed to restrain himself from squirming. He looked around the table frantically, then squeaked out a few minutes later, "Do we have any coffee?"

"Yeah, there's some in the coffee maker now. It should be just about ready," said Chi-chi, who had finally sat down with her own breakfast. "Go ahead and help yourself."

"O-Okay," said Kibito shakily. He got up and walked, stiff-legged, over to the coffee machine, only to remember that he needed a cup, too. He staggered across the kitchen toward the cupboard where the mugs were kept.

"Is everything okay, Kibito?" Goku asked, scratching his head. "You're walking kinda funny."

"No, I'm not," Kibito lied.

"Yeah, you are," Goten piped in. "You're walking like a robot." He got up and circled the room, performing an exaggerated, stiff-limbed gait.

"Yeah, I know." Kibito sighed.

"So, what's the problem?" Chi-chi queried.

"I have an itch." Kibito looked around shiftily. "On my backside."

"Yeah?" Chi-chi raised an eyebrow. "Scratch it."

"I...can't."

"What do you mean, you can't?"

"Because...it wouldn't...it wouldn't be proper!"

Chi-chi face-faulted. "Honestly, Kibito, we're not at the party anymore. I don't care what you do so long as you do it within the confines of this house." She glanced around. "Besides, you're in good company."

"*BURP*!" Goku grinned from ear to ear.

"See?" said Chi-chi, gesturing to her husband.

"But Kaioshin-- I mean, if he was here --" Kibito stammered.

"Well, he's not here, is he?" Chi-chi pointed out. "Even if he were, I don't think he would begrudge you scratching your butt. Sheesh." She rolled her eyes. "All that time with Hercule must have gotten to your brain."

"Uh-huh." Kibito put on that particularly forbidding face that he used to hide his embarrassment. "Well, I suppose that's about right." Calmly, he scratched his butt and slumped back against the kitchen counter. "Ahhhhhhhh..."

"There you go, you big dummy," Chi-chi said. "See how easy that was?"

Kibito's nostrils flared. "Who are you calling a big dum--" He stopped mid-sentence, stood straight up, and walked out of the room, shaking. Chi-chi, Goku, and their sons shared a confused look.

"Hey! Uh...didn't you want some coffee?" Gohan called out after him. There was no response. "Hmm, wonder what his deal was..."

***

Back upstairs, Kibito panicked mentally. Oh God oh God oh God! he thought. He supposed it really didn't matter about the whole butt-scratching incident; after all, the Sons didn't seem to care, and in any case, Kaioshin must have seen him scratch his butt hundreds of times. But then there was the fact that 'Shin could easily have viewed that ridiculous, humiliating scene downstairs. I'll bet he's sitting right there with his crystal ball and laughing. He could see it, too: his master, staring into the orb, teary-eyed from laughing so hard, while Rou Kaioshin peered over his shoulder and snickered. Good thing I got out of there before getting myself into an argument with Chi-chi.

He stopped pacing around the room and sat down on his bed. Boy, am I DOOMED! There were so many things that Kaioshin might have possibly seen, so many embarrassing moments. So many moments that might land him in trouble, had Kaioshin watched them. Kissing Janine...being kissed by that *twitch* man in drag...constant frying-pan-beatings...losing to Goten in checkers...using up that last roll of toilet paper and not replacing it... He gulped, thinking of the previous day. What if Kaioshin-sama saw that woman--the mayor's wife--walk into the bathroom and mistake me for a child molester?

"Well, of course he did," said the little voice from earlier. It sounded smug. "He can see everything, you know."

"...Eeeeee..." Kibito went wide-eyed.

"But then again, he might not have been watching _everything_, per se. He might just have decided on the spur of the moment, 'Let's watch Kibito,' and seen you, Goten standing close, while Livia screamed about a child molester. He could easily put two and two together."

"Noooooooooo!!!" Kibito screamed.

"Don't be ridiculous," said another, calmer voice in his head. "Why would Kaioshin watch you constantly? He has more important duties to tend to, and he trusts you more than that. Besides, if he really wanted to know what you've been up to, he'd ask you psychically. He can read minds, after all."

"That's right; he reads minds," the first voice sniggered. "And the Potara fusion between you two made that metaphysical bond between you all the stronger. He can read into your deepest, darkest thoughts. In fact, he's probably listening to this right now. He knows that you know that he's watching you, and he isn't going to be pleased."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

***

Nearly nine hours later...

"DINNERTIME!" Chi-chi yelled from the kitchen. In a split second, Goku and sons were sitting at the table, silverware in hands, ready to eat.

One seat stood empty.

Chi-chi frowned. "Where is that big oaf?" she muttered, throwing her spatula and marching to the bottom of the stairs. "KIBITO!"

There was no response.

"C'mon, Chi-chi, make with the food!" Goku whined from the kitchen.

"All right, all right already. Sheesh." Chi-chi went back into the kitchen and served them all dinner. She sat down with her own meal, then thought out loud. "What on Earth is with Kibito today? He never misses my meals, even if he doesn't gorge himself like the rest of you."

"Yeah, kinda strange, isn't it?" Gohan said between bites. Goku nodded and mumbled his assent, his words muffled by a mouthful of casserole. "You don't think he's getting sick or anything, do you?"

"I don't know." Chi-chi fell back to eating, and there was silence for awhile.

"Mom, what are we having for dessert?" Goten asked, finishing his dinner.

Chi-chi stopped eating abruptly and glared at no one in particular. "Nothing."

"Nothing?!" All three Saiyajins gaped at her.

"No way!" said Gohan.

"You're kidding, right, Chi-chi?!?" Goku panicked.

"No, I'm not kidding; I couldn't find that huge cake pan Dad got me."

"And you're not mad?" Gohan scratched his head. "Normally, I'd think--"

"Of course I'm mad!" Chi-chi crossed her arms. "But it's not like I lost my FRYING PAN or anything. I couldn't live without THAT."

Goku and Gohan sweatdropped, and the dinner ended rather anti-climatically.

***

A little while later...

"Okay, we've just got to sneak in there and grab the food off the table," Goten whispered to his elder brother. The two boys were standing just outside the kitchen door and peering in at their mother, who was seemingly staring off into space. "If the food's already in the fridge, we'll pretend that we're getting a can of soda."

"You sound like Trunks," Gohan said, sweatdropping. "Almost, anyway."

"I don't care who I sound like!" Goten glared up at his brother, then looked down and whimpered. "I'm just hungry. Mom promised us she'd make that chocolate cake today."

"Yeah, I know the feeling." Gohan patted his own rumbling belly. "But I just said 'almost.' You _almost_ sound like Trunks."

"Huh?"

"You made a dumb mistake--no one would ever buy that excuse. You aren't allowed to drink soda."

"Oh, yeah." Goten scratched his head. "Mom says it makes me hyper!"

Gohan sweatdropped again. "Yeah...let's just do this thing, okay?"

"Okay!" The two tiptoed into the kitchen, flattening themselves against the wall as they approached the table. Indeed, there was the last dish of beef casserole, sitting in front of Kibito's still-empty chair. Chi-chi sat at the opposite end of the table, flipping absently through a recipe book while she spaced out. Apparently, she didn't notice the boys' entrance.

Perfect! though Gohan. He tapped Goten on the shoulder and nodded. The younger demi-Saiyajin sneaked up to the table and--

"*WHACK*!"

"Ow!" said Goten, his hand having been slapped away from the plate. He looked up to see Chi-chi towering overhead, looking quite peeved.

"Aah! Mom!" Gohan went wide-eyed, then gulped. "I--I mean, h-hi, Mom, n-n-nice weather we're having, huh?"

Chi-chi merely glowered. "You two are trying to take Kibito's dinner, aren't you?"

"Yes, Mother," the two squeaked out in unison.

"Well, DON'T!" Chi-chi's voice reverberated throughout the kitchen. Her sons flinched.

"But I'm hungry." Goten rubbed his ears,

"And it's been over an hour since we ate," Gohan added quietly. "I don't think Kibito's coming down for this."

"Over an _hour_?" In her confusion, Chi-chi calmed down. "Well, I'll just have to wrap it up so he can have it later."

Both demi-Saiyajins face-faulted.

"Can I at least have that?" Goten asked, pointing to a biscuit on the plate.

"No, but you can help Mommy find some foil to wrap it up."

"Yes, Mom." The younger boy trudged to a drawer on the other side of the kitchen. Chi-chi began searching the cupboards, looking for a tupperware container. Gohan stood around stupidly.

"Gohan?"

"Yes, Mom?"

"Go check on Kibito."

"Um, okay." Gohan turned and left the kitchen. Chi-chi found what she was looking for and began putting the casserole into the container. Goten dug through the drawer a couple of times, then looked up, perplexed.

"Uh, Mom?"

"Yes, honey?"

"I can't find the aluminum foil."

"You can't?" Chi-chi cocked an eyebrow. She walked over to the drawer and pawed through it unsuccessfully. "That's funny; I could've sworn I just bought two rolls of it."

Goten shrugged.

"Well, we'll have to use--" Chi-chi started, only to be interrupted by her eldest son from upstairs.

"HOLY CRAP!!!"

***

On Kaioshin-kai, the god of gods was losing a game of chess to his ancestor.

"Cheeeeeeeckmate!" Rou Kaioshin cried out, soundly defeating the younger god. He grinned. "Heh heh...wow. Didn't think I had it in me; I haven't played that game in so long!"

"Yes, you certainly beat me," 'Shin smiled graciously. Rou immediately stopped grinning. "What's the matter, sir?"

"What's the matter?! You're supposed to get mad and struggle to remain respectful while I gloat. I'm baiting you. It's supposed to be funny!" The ancient deity twisted his mouth to the side in irritation. "You're no fun."

'Shin laughed mentally at his predecessor. "I'm sorry, Elder; I didn't realize I was 'supposed' to do that."

"Kibito would have gotten mad."

"With all due respect, Elder, you do taunt him mercilessly." Kaioshin scooped up the chessboard and game pieces out of the grass and neatly put them away. "But I'm glad to hear that you're finally warming up to him."

"Yeah, yeah," Rou snorted, "warm up to that grump."  


"He'll be less grumpy when he comes back. He just needed a break," said 'Shin. "Besides, you're just as cranky as him."

"Does that mean _I_ get a vacation to Earth?" Rou looked hopefully at his descendant.

"No, sir, it's not safe to put you on any planet where over half the population is female." 'Shin sweatdropped. "In any case, you have duties to fulfill here."

"An' Big Ugly doesn't?"

"Kibito's duties are entirely optional," the younger god said. "He's my best friend; I don't mean to keep him here as a beast of burden."

Rou Kaioshin merely muttered something crude about "best friends" and "beasts of burden" under his breath.

Kaioshin sighed and thought to himself. I wonder what Kibito's doing right now...I haven't heard from him since he left. He focused his thoughts on Kibito's mind, hoping to convey his greetings and ask how things were going. What he found was an anxious jumble of nerves. Faintly, he could sense Kibito's ki fluctuating wildly, like that of one near-paralyzed by fear. That's odd...I hope he's not in any danger. Curious, 'Shin whipped out his crystal ball, only to see a most disquieting sight. "What the...?!"

***

"HOLY CRAP!!!"

Gohan, standing in the doorway to Kibito's room, looked on in shock. There, in the middle of the floor, sat Kibito, his knees tucked up to his chin. He was wrapped from head to toe in aluminum foil, except for the bottom portion of his right calf (apparently, he'd run out of foil), and had a garbage can lid strapped to his head. As soon as he heard Gohan, he pulled up a metal shield of some sort--Gohan recognized it as his mom's gigantic, three-foot-in-diameter cake pan--and shouted, "Get away! Get away!"

"Kibito?!" Gohan squeaked out. There was no articulate response from the pink giant, so Gohan stepped into the room. "Kibi--" He stopped as his hair caught on a metal coat hanger, which was bent up and dangling upside down from the ceiling. He managed to free himself and call down the stairs. "Uhh...Mom?"

"Just a minute, Gohan; I have to find the aluminum foil first!" came the reply.

"Heh...yeah." Gohan laughed nervously, then turned back to the room. Kibito lowered the cake pan and narrowed his eyes at Gohan.

"You--come here," he grunted, gesturing to the demi-Saiyajin. Gohan started towards him, uneasy. Kibito flailed his arms spastically. "No! No! No! Close the door! CLOSE THE DOOR!!!"

"..." Gohan backed up slowly, eyes wide. "...Okaaaaaaay..." He closed the door and walked back towards Kibito. "So...you feeling all ri--"

"KEEP IT DOWN, YOU FOOL!" Kibito shrieked fearfully. "What do you think you're doing? _HE_ can hear you!!!"

Gohan blinked. "Who's 'he'?"

"Don't play dumb with me!" Kibito hissed. "You know exactly what I'm talking about!"

"I do?" Gohan eyed Kibito dubiously, then decided that the best course of action would be to humor him. "Um...of course, Kibito. Wh-what's with the, um, get-up?"

"It's to shield my body from psychic penetration," Kibito said matter-of-factly. "And my mind. Brain waves are electromagnetic, right?"

"..." Gohan blinked, years of study now escaping him.

"Well?" Kibito demanded. "Are they or not?"

"..." Gohan chuckled nervously. "I--I don't think a garbage can lid and some foil are, uh, going to protect your mind...?"

Kibito nodded in a curt yet anxious fashion. "That's what the hangers are for."

Gohan twitched slightly and inclined his head toward the door. "MOOOOOM!" he called out, his voice wavering.

"What are you summoning your mother for?" Kibito whispered, his fear apparently turning into frustration. "She can't save you from him." His eyes went wide again. "She can't save me from _him!_"

"Who's 'HIM'?!?" Gohan shrieked, puzzled and not just a wee bit frightened by Kibito's behavior.

"GOHAN!" said a voice outside the door. "You know better than to shout in the--" Here the door opened, and Chi-chi poked her head in, halting at the sight of Kibito. "--in the--in the house." A moment passed in complete silence as Chi-chi registered what she was seeing. "All right, WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!?"

"Keep it down!" Kibito snapped at her. "He might hear you!!!"

"WHO IS _'HE'?!?!_" Gohan and Chi-chi shouted simultaneously.

"KAIOSHIN-SAMA!!!" Kibito roared, then went even wider-eyed and clamped a hand over his mouth, looking fearfully around. "He--he might hear you..."

"Why should I care if he hears me?!" Chi-chi yelled right back. "That's his job, isn't it?"

"But he'll be able to find me!!" Kibito whimpered, pulling the cake pan up again.

"Well, he already knows you're here, you big ba--HEY, THAT'S MY CAKE PAN!!!" Chi-chi pointed at said object and shook in rage; a vein bulged in her forehead. "DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG I SPENT LOOKING FOR THAT DAMNED THING TODAY?!?! DO YOU?!?!?"

Kibito peered over the pan with wary eyes. "Um, I don't know?" he squeaked out.

"KIBITOOOOOOO!!!!" Chi-chi lunged at the pink giant and attempted to wrest the pan from him, but with no luck. Kibito held onto the pan, steadfast, and Chi-chi, not being nearly as strong as her guest, couldn't get it to budge. "GIVE ME BACK MY CAKE PAN, DAMMIT!!!"

"NEVER!" Kibito screamed back, holding the pan all the closer. Chi-chi smacked him hard across the face, then pulled his hair. Kibito gasped in pain, then clubbed Chi-chi upside the head with his fist. The former warrior princess (for lack of a better term) stumbled back for a moment, then flew at him again, her fists landing blow after blow to his face. Kibito quickly thrust the cake pan up, catching one of Chi-chi's hands between that and the garbage can lid. Unfortunately, the two metal objects collided, producing a tremendous, gong-like echo.

"WAH!!!" Both fighters fell back, Chi-chi nursing her throbbing red hand and Kibito, swirly-eyed, clutching his ears. Gohan looked on, bewildered.

"Only in this house," he muttered, sweatdropping as Chi-chi and Kibito stood up and glared at one another. Chi-chi clenched her fists, and Kibito snorted, the pan tucked under his arm. Both looked as if they were about to charge each other with their full strength. Gohan gulped and nervously stepped between the two. "...Don't you think we could resolve this without fighting?"

Chi-chi growled. "Gohan, get out of the way."

"Yes, Mom!" Gohan scampered back to where he had formerly been standing. Kibito and Chi-chi circled each other belligerently, and Gohan felt his stomach knot up. "Uh...Kibito? Don't you think Kaioshin can see this? You fighting my mom, I mean. Over a cake pan."

"SWEET LORD, you're right!" Kibito dropped the pan and cowered in a corner. Chi-chi, eye twitching, picked up her pan and stomped toward the door. Turning back for a moment, she said to her son, "Watch him. I'm going to get your father...and some tranquilizers."

***

Three days and a whole lot of horse tranquilizers later...

"Ah..." said Chi-chi, sinking onto the couch in relief. Her family (adopted pink men included) was pretty much back to normal. She had taken Kibito, considerably calmed from the drugs she and her eldest son had pumped into him, to a shrink and gotten him a more correct prescription to ease him from paranoia. Everything was as it should be...well, almost.

Kibito was sitting on the other end of the couch, seemingly gazing in rapture at the talk show Chi-chi was watching. On closer inspection, however, Chi-chi found that Kibito was not staring at but directly above the television--at absolutely nothing. She cocked an eyebrow. "Kibito?"

There was no response from the divine assistant, who did not appear to have heard her at all.

"Kibito!"

Kibito jumped to attention. "Yes?"

"Are you feeling all right?"

"Yes. Why wouldn't I be?" Kibito gave her a confused look.

"Well, you're staring off into space."

"No, I'm not."

"Yes, you are. Or were. Whatever."

"..."

"..."

"..." Kibito returned to his staring. Chi-chi twitched.

"THAT'S IT!" she finally yelled. "We're going to Bulma's tomorrow. Your medicine must have some weird side effects; you're acting like a total nut!"

"She's got that right, Dum-dum," snickered the little, imaginary green man that had been talking to Kibito.

"I know," Kibito whispered, a dopey grin on his face. "Sometimes you feel like a nut."

-------------------------------------------

TBC... A day at Capsule Corp.? Hoo-boy...

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::Just an afterthought here…::

Kibito: The Great Gazoo? The _Great Gazoo?!_

Meressefers: Yup!

Kibito: -_-" The torture never ends, does it?

Meres: Nope!

Kibito: *sweatdrops*

Meres: You make it far too easy, Kibito. *smiles* Anyway, that was the fifth chapter of "Kibito's Vacation."

Kibito: And it took you a month to get it up.

Meres: Yeah, I know. I have no excuse; I got lazy, and then school started up. :P But I finished this chapter, didn't I?

Kibito: And made me extremely and completely OOC on top of that.

Meres: That's 'coz you're losing your marbles in this chapter...but I promise that you'll get better. Paranoid, near schizophrenic you isn't nearly as fun to annoy as dignified, intellectually superior you.

Kibito: *sarcastically* Well, that's a relief.

Meres: And speaking of annoying Kibito, I pose a question to you, devoted readers. Kibito's summer vacation is now halfway over, so if you would like to see anything in particular happen to ol' Pinkie, feel free to email me (MercuryGirl37@aol.com) or to leave a suggestion in a review.

Kibito: *smirks* Running out of ideas already?

Meres: No, not at all. I have a whole load of plot ideas swimming around my head; it's just a matter of whether I use them or not. And I'm sure that someone must have a really interesting idea that they want to see happen, and HEY! Why the heck not?

Kibito: Damn.

Meres: I'm not sure when the next chapter will be up, or how long this story will end up being, but please bear with me. I appreciate all the feedback I've gotten from everyone.

Kibito: Yes, they're charming people, really. All reveling in my agony.

Meres: That is the meaning of life, after all, O vir magnus.

Kibito: -_-" "Vir magnus" indeed...


End file.
